Some days she was saddened by the cocoon of ignorance that no longer kept her protected. She imagined herself as she was then. Enclosed in her woman's body and seeing the world through her feminine experiences. In her peripheral vision there was another world that she was aware but did not fully comprehend. Then one day it was like she found the "open" switch. Like some science fiction movie her feminine exterior just opened up. She saw herself just leave her body and just emerge. She had a 360 degree view of the world.
It was different.
Liberating yet confusing. She saw the things she did not understand. She had no way of relating them to her single dimensional perspective. She had to make a decision. She could stand frozen in confusion ; retreat back and choose to "close" herself, or she could enter confidently this new world of perspectives. Every instinct in her body that was created through her conditioning, urged her to retreat, her intellect urged her to standstill and gauge her options, but destiny beckoned. She knew that if she didnt respond to destiny's summons, it had her way of angrily biting her. Destiny was one cruel bitch. It was not a very good idea to annoy her. It was better to welcome her. It was best to nurture her and gain her loyalty. It was important never to trust her. She squared her shoulders. She took a deep breath and prepared to follow the summons of her own destiny.
When she was a child her mother always said to her "right first". The first foot out of the door, the first foot in the door, the first reach of the hand, all the firsts must start with a right. Always use the right foot, always use the right hand. Right was good. It was good to be right. Start right and everything will be right. It was a lifelong practice. The left leg was already firmly supporting her weight. The right knee was flexed in anticipation of raising the right foot for the first step.
Then she changed her mind. She straightened up. Everything was different now. It was time for the right to take a back step. She looked at her left foot that seemed frozen to the ground unbelieving at the command issued by the brain impulse. Then slowly with the smile that reached all the way from the heel of her wrong foot right upto her eyes, she took her first step. How does one experience the new worlds if one goes only the "right" way?! It was time to break the circles of right.
It was time to be wrong.
Those lines that defined her place in the world got smudged. She crossed them with impunity and she no longer could see the lines. Those arbitrary markings in the tide of time, the social structure and mores of the day' even if she saw them i dont think she assigned them any value. A cursory look, every so often a nod in that direction, and then she went on with her day. She ignored those arbitrary man-made markings of ethical and moral rules that preened in self righteous importance and crowed with the need of absolute adherences even in the face of their own certain mortality. Occasionally that made her smile. The rewarding of meaningless awards breaking the tedium of their own pointless games of conformities beckoned but never engaged her. She kept her date with destiny. Then again- every so often she needed to define herself and her place in the world. But such lines once erased cannot be drawn again. Because the smudges from previous lines still exist and will not yield to new lines. Once clarity is erased one must learn to live with ambiguity. Once beliefs and proven wrong one must learn to make peace with the paradoxes. Her insecurity with ambiguities made her yearn for the person she was. Those days of simple definitions when black was black and white was white. Occasionally, wrapped in lonely solitude, she opened her photo album of memories and stroked the old sepia toned potraits with nostalgic fondness. They made her cry. They still made her cry. She wiped her tears. She shut her album. She got up with a sigh on her lips. She turned to leave, but something tugged her back. Solemnly she held her past in her arms and softly kissed it with care. She would stop again. She promised. When destiny let her pause for a moment in time that blessed her by standing still- she promised to return.
Then she moved on........
It was different.
Liberating yet confusing. She saw the things she did not understand. She had no way of relating them to her single dimensional perspective. She had to make a decision. She could stand frozen in confusion ; retreat back and choose to "close" herself, or she could enter confidently this new world of perspectives. Every instinct in her body that was created through her conditioning, urged her to retreat, her intellect urged her to standstill and gauge her options, but destiny beckoned. She knew that if she didnt respond to destiny's summons, it had her way of angrily biting her. Destiny was one cruel bitch. It was not a very good idea to annoy her. It was better to welcome her. It was best to nurture her and gain her loyalty. It was important never to trust her. She squared her shoulders. She took a deep breath and prepared to follow the summons of her own destiny.
When she was a child her mother always said to her "right first". The first foot out of the door, the first foot in the door, the first reach of the hand, all the firsts must start with a right. Always use the right foot, always use the right hand. Right was good. It was good to be right. Start right and everything will be right. It was a lifelong practice. The left leg was already firmly supporting her weight. The right knee was flexed in anticipation of raising the right foot for the first step.
Then she changed her mind. She straightened up. Everything was different now. It was time for the right to take a back step. She looked at her left foot that seemed frozen to the ground unbelieving at the command issued by the brain impulse. Then slowly with the smile that reached all the way from the heel of her wrong foot right upto her eyes, she took her first step. How does one experience the new worlds if one goes only the "right" way?! It was time to break the circles of right.
It was time to be wrong.
Those lines that defined her place in the world got smudged. She crossed them with impunity and she no longer could see the lines. Those arbitrary markings in the tide of time, the social structure and mores of the day' even if she saw them i dont think she assigned them any value. A cursory look, every so often a nod in that direction, and then she went on with her day. She ignored those arbitrary man-made markings of ethical and moral rules that preened in self righteous importance and crowed with the need of absolute adherences even in the face of their own certain mortality. Occasionally that made her smile. The rewarding of meaningless awards breaking the tedium of their own pointless games of conformities beckoned but never engaged her. She kept her date with destiny. Then again- every so often she needed to define herself and her place in the world. But such lines once erased cannot be drawn again. Because the smudges from previous lines still exist and will not yield to new lines. Once clarity is erased one must learn to live with ambiguity. Once beliefs and proven wrong one must learn to make peace with the paradoxes. Her insecurity with ambiguities made her yearn for the person she was. Those days of simple definitions when black was black and white was white. Occasionally, wrapped in lonely solitude, she opened her photo album of memories and stroked the old sepia toned potraits with nostalgic fondness. They made her cry. They still made her cry. She wiped her tears. She shut her album. She got up with a sigh on her lips. She turned to leave, but something tugged her back. Solemnly she held her past in her arms and softly kissed it with care. She would stop again. She promised. When destiny let her pause for a moment in time that blessed her by standing still- she promised to return.
Then she moved on........
3 comments:
Ditch engg. Become a writer! :)
engg is gonna get ditched in any case!
Subscribed to your blog.. A very well written one! Keep the words flowing!
Oh yes, thank you. :)
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