B for Boyfriend

The following are certified and well established facts of my life:

1) I did not have a boyfriend.

2) I do not have a boyfriend.

3) Now there will not be any future tense implications here.

4) In my (deranged) life, I came across 5 boys whom I genuinely believed, at that time, to be the perfect match for me.

5) Two months later (and in the special case-2 days later), I was made to comprehend and appreciate the true size of the hole that I had been digging for myself.

6) The last one, I guess, just forgot about my very existence.

7) Right now, I am actively debating the existence of my life partner.All my close circle of friends are either committed or are making steady progress up the commitment ladder.

Now before I venture into unknown territory, I want to make myself very clear that I have nothing against any boy or girl already involved in a relationship. All of you have my heart-felt wishes.

The very concept of a boyfriend is mind boggling. At the same time it gives rise to these never-felt-before emotions and the 24 hour –desire to be with one’s boyfriend. It ruptures the very fabric of the age factor. And speaking of age-no-barrier, a lot of things spring into my mind.

Consider the following classification.

Now there are those people who have had their “First” boyfriend at the primitive age of 10! (Yes..the 2nd boy I was comprehending had his “first” girlfriend at that age).

And there is that bunch of people who have incessantly declared their resolution to remain the humble friend of solitude- only to have had their “First” by their mid teens.

Another fraction of the crowd are those who get their first after having done some remarkable research into the psychology of the masculine. It is a different story altogether that they get their second faster than their first and the third faster than the second. The average “Coming of the First” age in this category usually varies from 18 to 21.

Then there are those who have their first – and put a period. End of story. A.K.A Marriage. This usually takes place above the “YO!” age.=>24 upwards.

And then there is me.

Problem is:

I do not know what I am feeling. I am repeatedly told that it is a great feeling. Yes I do experience bits of it now and then. And it feels good. But does it come at any price? And is it affordable? And more importantly, how do I get hold of it? But the more fundamental question I have to ask myself is: Do I need one?

Just the other day, I was going around on M G Road. The most recurring sights included a girl holding her boyfriend’s hand and having that “Oh I love you!” expression on her face. Not to mention a few doses of that “I got a boyfriend!” expression too, very distinctly displayed on her face.

Upon closer observation, one realizes that the relationship between the average MG Road boy and girl can be classified into one of the following:

1) “Truly in love”- ok, everybody actually believe that they ought to be classified under this. I know otherwise.

2) “I love you-but we may not last forever”: these are the predominant kind. They also hold hands.

3) “You know we will break up anyday-but lets enjoy now”: A.K.A Flirting. The less said about them, the better.

4) “Maybe someday we will be boyfriend-girlfriend”: these are the hopefuls…. With full of colossal dreams, they step foot on the sacred footpaths of MG Road with their guys….hoping someday that they be classified under category 1.

5) “I am trying to make up”: these can be seen in some real expensive place. It is understood that the girl is extracting the last bits of the benefits of the guy’s financial planning in return for a likely 2nd category classification.

So now I come back to my question.

Do I really need a boyfriend?

The first half of my brain says “Yes girl! You do need someone to share some intimate moments with. You do need someone whom you can call at 2 in the morning and who will be happy to hear you speak.(Wonder if things to that magnitude actually take place in love…)You need someone with whom you can hold hands and walk on MG Road. And lastly you need a boyfriend because you can then claim your classification under category 1.”

The second half of my brain said “Yes. I agree with the first half.”

Guess I don’t have much of a choice now.

But the consequential problem remains:

How do I find one?

Unfortunately I do not have any categories to classify this into. This is simply because I haven’t gone around searching for one till now. And I don’t plan to change that fact. So basically it means that I shall not be making any effort to find one. And as a natural consequence, I shall still remain single .

But then every now and then, I do feel that that extra someone may actually make a difference. Maybe that’s what needs to fill that void in me. Or, on the other hand, maybe not. Whatever be the case, I still do convince myself everyday that I am not missing anything. Or maybe that’s just the way I deny the things I am missing.

So whenever I see a girl and her boyfriend sharing some intimate talks or moments, I remind myself of the song by Simon and Garfunkel. The name of the song is “I am a rock”. And some of the specific lines that I remind myself of are as follows:

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room

Safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me
Don’t talk of love

Well I’ve heard the word before

It’s sleeping in my memory

I won’t disturb the slumber

Of feelings that have died

If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock.
I am an island.
Like I said, maybe this is just a way of denying all the things that I am missing. Or maybe this is the way I am. But one thing I know for sure is that next time I see a girl and her guy, I will not make the effort to classify them…… simply because I don’t have the right to….