JUST MY RAMBLINGS!!!!!

Ah’m back! I can’t help sounding like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The absence from the blog space was not particularly because of any x, y or z reason. Nothing has kept me overtly occupied.

I remain partially employed, footloose, contemplating what to do, how to become a cleave cat with a fat bank balance, still looking for direction, chasing dreams. With another birthday hovering on my head these words (looking for direction) sound feeble and trite, as if they have been plucked out of from the thought process of a moronic child. Sometime things seem to be closing in on me.

Why should I come to terms with the whole world and meet the standards?

Quite a few like me would understand what I’m trying to say and others can call me a clueless goof.

Normally when it comes to writing, I have an odd sense of compulsion to write about certain scruffy villains, the recent one being religious fundamentalism, mob molestation, social snobbery, Modi and the Moditva. I don’t want to talk about them. Why should I bullshit the bullshitter? Enough egg has been scrambled on the face of the squalor of Indian Politics. Mob molesters once again proved how unsafe and underpowered women are. The religious fundamentalist were woefully wrong in their prognostication. Democracy did not die with Benazir in Pakistan.

On my scattered desk I can see the picture of an activist of Samajwadi Party, who set himself ablaze during his party's protest in Delhi against Uttar Pradesh chief minister. I do not want to go into the rights and wrongs of the particular case but I feel sorry for the family of this gentleman whose existence has been reduced to few lines on a national daily newspaper and had 60 seconds slot on the national channel. What good has he done to his party or the sobbing family he left behind? Arrant Nonsense. I do not want to discuss this either.

From the window of my study, the sunshine paves it way. The orange rays flirt with my face. I wonder how all my fears dissolve in the sunlight. A brighter day is all that i pray for. I can hear tweaking of a child’s balloon and flap of pigeon’s wing. Everything looks fine. There is peace inside me. God has been fairly kind. In life some things that happen are at times beyond us, we don’t have an answer. There are many scores of faces I have added to my existence in all these years. There are people, I wish to meet again and thankfully there is no one I feel I should have never met.

I presume this is life. Why we tend to ignore small pleasures and hunt for the jackpot. Does one need to put life on hold and search for happiness outside the confines of daily existence? Why people like me run amok in the pursuit of elusive happiness. Life is meant to be lived in phases. Kabhi khushi kabhi gham. The forthcoming khushi is my cousin’s wedding. The imminent gham is her leaving home.

What’s bothering me is that there would be no one to disturb me from deep slumber, with whom I would bicker about creating mess in the room and I wouldn’t be sending the standard text message “ when will you reach home” in the evening.

I am absorbed in my own thoughts, and the view outside somehow enters my absorptions. The 100 watt smile frame on the screensaver catches my attention. In the 19 sheltered years of my life, I have never known anything remotely resembling tragedy. Last year in October when my dog died, it stuck me hard. She did everything ordinary with an extraordinary effect. It takes merely few minutes to fade away. What leaves behind is the impression we create and the human lives we touch.

Why hacks like me still wonder what to do with their existence ?

IT"S RAINING MEN!!!!!! (Statutory Warning: Read at your own risk!!!!!)

It's raining men!

Halleluyah!
It's raining men!

Alright! Alright! Calm down everyone!

That was a complete fabrication!

As you can see, it is NOT happening!

However, the way I'm smiling these days it may as well be raining men!

The way I'm smiling you would be forgiven for believing that men are falling from the skies in torrents!

Not your ordinary run-of-the-mill guys either, but HUNKS!
Hunks with an uncanny resemblance to Kunal Kapoor!
Wait a minute!
There are some George Cloonies too.
And if I'm not mistaken that’s Tom Cruise!
Good Lord! Is that a Ashton Kutcher??? (I LOVE HIM!!!)

No! No! Sorry! My mistake!

So there I am smiling away as though it really is raining men.
Raining tall, dark and handsome specimens!
And, as if the above were not enough, they are only semi clad!
Muscles rippling, Abs displayed in all their glory, eyes hooded and mysterious, lips begging....

Oops!
I do think I'm getting a bit carried away!

This blog isn't even about men!
It most certainly isn't about rain.

It is about why I am smiling all the time.
And how this perennial smiling is impacting my life!


Let me start with first things first.

The fact of the matter is I’m smiling ever since I started blogging!
Not surprisingly, I'm on high alert at all times!
Never a moment of rest for me since the fateful day I registered at blogger.com.

• I’m thinking of the blog I read that morning, and I'm smiling because I can’t forget the humor laced in it.
  
• Some other day a racy blog, ripe with double entendres, will see me grinning from ear to ear all day.
  
• Or I might be reveling in a comment I got for my latest post, something cheeky, something naughty, guaranteed to stretch my lips from sunup to sundown.
  
• Finally, if my muse has been generous I may be living out my next blog. That is when I smile the most and the widest! I plot and plan and clip and crop and hum and haw, all in my mind. Smiling, always smiling!
  
  You would imagine that a smile couldn't possibly have adverse consequences.
  You would imagine that a mere stretching of the orbicularis oris 24x7 couldn't bring grief upon the stretcher.
  
  Well, you'd imagine wrong!
  

There are always consequences, even Newton said so!

Here’s what happens when you smile ALL the time:


The fellow in the red Santro who has been weaving in and out of your lane decides to slow down and let you pass. You graciously incline your smiling face, acknowledging his chivalry. Only to discover that he wants to stay behind you so he can follow you to where ever you are going. You realize that he doesn’t know the difference between a ‘come hither’ look and a smile engendered by the sheer joy of blogging! You glare at him, forgetting to switch off the smile. This results in a grotesque contortion of your facial features. The poor Romeo is permanently cured of his lust and falls several cars behind ;-)

You’ve reached the hospital by now, your smile threatening to blind one and all. Your Residents think they can pull one off on you. You ruthlessly brush aside all their leave applications, and other frivolous excuses, wondering if you can generate a blog out of it all!

Your patients think you are the reincarnation of Florence Nightingale. Everybody loves a smiling doctor, wouldn’t you think? Not true. Ask the patient who notices you are smiling as he recounts his litany of ocular woes. He is likely to ask for a transfer, and request psychiatric consultation for you!

( P.S. I am NOT a doctor.....its just an example...actually the day other me and Dr.Archana were discussing this topic....and she came up with these situations.....so thanks to her!!)

Not a happy situation, smiling all the time.

What to do? What to do?

Can’t stop smiling!
Can’t stop blogging!

Can’t see the room mess piling up.

Can’t see the reminder from the lecturer to send in the microcontrollers chapter for the microprocessors book.

Only sure cure is for somebody to take away my laptop.

Or, better still, surgically remove the centre in my brain that screams blogger every time I pick up my laptop to complete the darn chapter!

I hope Siddu doesn’t read this ;-)

He knows some neurosurgeons :P
Meanwhile, it’s raining men!

Blank Thoughts

It’s just so weird ...this thing called life. Isn't it? You feel you are dreaming sometimes and something just floating on the waves of time.

Sometimes I feel so alive, so conscious of life, so conscious of myself.

And then, like yesterday, I felt standing in front of this wall called life.
And sometimes I feel so powerful, ready to take my life in my own hands and then I leave my life at the door of something and someone I call God. I stand up against life and sometimes walk shoulder to shoulder with it.

I wonder if life is like a piece of cake and everybody gets a piece of it, just to taste and admire and then gulp it down. Weird thoughts are flooding my mind...I feel overpowered by my thoughts today.

I went to the shop and looked around; I found fragrant perfumes and glittery dresses, aromatic candles and fresh coffee..But I was looking for something that tells me what is real and what is not.I looked around smiled and came out...empty handed. I wonder if something had died within me or if something took birth. Don’t know. Just passing time with life. I wonder if somebody looking down at me or am I just floating around like a speck of dust

I wonder if I am crazy with these thoughts or everybody thinks the same!!!

Indo-China veg rice

boring eh?! the title?

Well.......apart from blogging and singing....cooking...yes cooking is my passion......i plan to open a restaurant later.....(big dreams!!!! i know i know!!!!)

I dedicate this recipe to all those road-side cheap chinesewalla of mumbai streets ;)(had been there this vacation...)

Well, it's not that great how they make it, but can't beat those masters, can we?! ;)

This is how I make it and really enjoy it, being so full of veggies.

Ofcourse, people closest to me, unsure about it, being so plain again.

I personally like my food a little on plain side.

To cut my lecture and woes short, here it is...

taa daaa!!

Ingredients:-

Olive oil

Rice

Garlic (lots)

Ginger (as per your taste)

Green chillies (as per your taste)

Carrots

Green bellpepper

Cauliflower

baby corn

green beans

spring onions

mushrooms (optional)

peas (optional. it's a personal fav so i used it as if it grows in my backyard. even though i do not have a backyard!)

Soy sauce

Chinese chilli sauce (some famous brand) - optional if you used loads of green chillies

Salt (to taste)

pepper (to taste)

Monosodium glutamate (optional, have heard it's not good)

Method:-

1) Soak, boil, sieve basmati rice(or any long grain rice).

2) Let it cool

3) Now, in a non-stick pan, heat a little-more-than-some olive oil

4) add green chillies (slit), garlic and ginger(both crushed).

5) Add the veggies.

6) Make sure it's all covered and cooked well. Please don't overcook them as we want a little

cruchiness.

7) Add salt, pepper, soy sauce, chilli sauce, msg

8) Add rice.

9) Mix well. let it cook uncovered.

10) serve (recommended with a chinese gravy)

Fingers crossed. I love it :)

B for Boyfriend

The following are certified and well established facts of my life:

1) I did not have a boyfriend.

2) I do not have a boyfriend.

3) Now there will not be any future tense implications here.

4) In my (deranged) life, I came across 5 boys whom I genuinely believed, at that time, to be the perfect match for me.

5) Two months later (and in the special case-2 days later), I was made to comprehend and appreciate the true size of the hole that I had been digging for myself.

6) The last one, I guess, just forgot about my very existence.

7) Right now, I am actively debating the existence of my life partner.All my close circle of friends are either committed or are making steady progress up the commitment ladder.

Now before I venture into unknown territory, I want to make myself very clear that I have nothing against any boy or girl already involved in a relationship. All of you have my heart-felt wishes.

The very concept of a boyfriend is mind boggling. At the same time it gives rise to these never-felt-before emotions and the 24 hour –desire to be with one’s boyfriend. It ruptures the very fabric of the age factor. And speaking of age-no-barrier, a lot of things spring into my mind.

Consider the following classification.

Now there are those people who have had their “First” boyfriend at the primitive age of 10! (Yes..the 2nd boy I was comprehending had his “first” girlfriend at that age).

And there is that bunch of people who have incessantly declared their resolution to remain the humble friend of solitude- only to have had their “First” by their mid teens.

Another fraction of the crowd are those who get their first after having done some remarkable research into the psychology of the masculine. It is a different story altogether that they get their second faster than their first and the third faster than the second. The average “Coming of the First” age in this category usually varies from 18 to 21.

Then there are those who have their first – and put a period. End of story. A.K.A Marriage. This usually takes place above the “YO!” age.=>24 upwards.

And then there is me.

Problem is:

I do not know what I am feeling. I am repeatedly told that it is a great feeling. Yes I do experience bits of it now and then. And it feels good. But does it come at any price? And is it affordable? And more importantly, how do I get hold of it? But the more fundamental question I have to ask myself is: Do I need one?

Just the other day, I was going around on M G Road. The most recurring sights included a girl holding her boyfriend’s hand and having that “Oh I love you!” expression on her face. Not to mention a few doses of that “I got a boyfriend!” expression too, very distinctly displayed on her face.

Upon closer observation, one realizes that the relationship between the average MG Road boy and girl can be classified into one of the following:

1) “Truly in love”- ok, everybody actually believe that they ought to be classified under this. I know otherwise.

2) “I love you-but we may not last forever”: these are the predominant kind. They also hold hands.

3) “You know we will break up anyday-but lets enjoy now”: A.K.A Flirting. The less said about them, the better.

4) “Maybe someday we will be boyfriend-girlfriend”: these are the hopefuls…. With full of colossal dreams, they step foot on the sacred footpaths of MG Road with their guys….hoping someday that they be classified under category 1.

5) “I am trying to make up”: these can be seen in some real expensive place. It is understood that the girl is extracting the last bits of the benefits of the guy’s financial planning in return for a likely 2nd category classification.

So now I come back to my question.

Do I really need a boyfriend?

The first half of my brain says “Yes girl! You do need someone to share some intimate moments with. You do need someone whom you can call at 2 in the morning and who will be happy to hear you speak.(Wonder if things to that magnitude actually take place in love…)You need someone with whom you can hold hands and walk on MG Road. And lastly you need a boyfriend because you can then claim your classification under category 1.”

The second half of my brain said “Yes. I agree with the first half.”

Guess I don’t have much of a choice now.

But the consequential problem remains:

How do I find one?

Unfortunately I do not have any categories to classify this into. This is simply because I haven’t gone around searching for one till now. And I don’t plan to change that fact. So basically it means that I shall not be making any effort to find one. And as a natural consequence, I shall still remain single .

But then every now and then, I do feel that that extra someone may actually make a difference. Maybe that’s what needs to fill that void in me. Or, on the other hand, maybe not. Whatever be the case, I still do convince myself everyday that I am not missing anything. Or maybe that’s just the way I deny the things I am missing.

So whenever I see a girl and her boyfriend sharing some intimate talks or moments, I remind myself of the song by Simon and Garfunkel. The name of the song is “I am a rock”. And some of the specific lines that I remind myself of are as follows:

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room

Safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me
Don’t talk of love

Well I’ve heard the word before

It’s sleeping in my memory

I won’t disturb the slumber

Of feelings that have died

If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock.
I am an island.
Like I said, maybe this is just a way of denying all the things that I am missing. Or maybe this is the way I am. But one thing I know for sure is that next time I see a girl and her guy, I will not make the effort to classify them…… simply because I don’t have the right to….

MyopicThoughts

I’ve been short-sighted since my early teens. My parents didn’t take me seriously when I first complained about not being able to read the blackboard in the classroom,or the numbers on the public buses. They refused to believe that I couldn’t see clearly- firstly they themselves had a 20-20 vision and secondly because nobody in my family had any problems with the vision and because my parents are strong believers in genes and their potency to hand down traits, both physical and mental. And then as a child I loved trying on other people’s glasses. They assumed that I was angling to get my own set of glasses. I admit that there was some truth to their belief , because as a child I genuinely thought ( acually even now I do……..!)that people who wore glasses looked intelligent,scholarly and other-worldly.

I finally got my own pair after a couple of mishaps due to poor vision. As I was growing up I was dismayed at the associations in the English languague that people with my kind of vision problems encounter. I bristled when I realised that to be labelled ‘short sighted’ is a pejorative term and to be myopic is equally bad. The implications are that me and my ilk are bad at planning and donot think ahead.

In contrast people who have a similar but opposite medical condition of poor eyesight due to a refractive error –far-sightedness or hyperopia- are sitting pretty because the associations are laudatory and positive. Far-sighted people are by definition, well…far-sighted and good at planning, looking ahead and such things.

In india 7% of the total population (largely due to paucity of funds leading to not testing of optical disorders ,I suspect) to a high of 67% in Australia. Studies show that the incidence of short sightedness increases with the level of education with doctoral students reporting the highest levels-above 80%.

So it turns out that I was right about my correlation between intelligence and myopia!!!!!
Short sighted and myopic people of the world-lets unite and insist on a change in the phrase used to describe our condition in English languague. We have nothing to lose.

Benazir and Urdu? You must be joking

Well…….i had read this in the newspaper long time ago…today while cleaning my room (thts my favourite passtime as I am jobless these days ;-) ) I found it and I think this will give a good laugh. Just read on…..

Oxford-educated Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto’s clumsy speeches in urdu sprinkled with english words have become a good way to pep up party converstaions in Pakistan. Jokes and even videos are being circulated on the internet.

At the joint press conference with Nawaz Sharif on Monday night, Bhutto struggled to put her views to the media in urdu “kayee demands kubool kiye gaye hain, date of election diya gaya hai, emergency khatam ki gayi hai, emergency khatam karne ka date diya gaya hai……..yeh bahut significant acceptance hai” she said.
Cross-dressing TV host Ali Saleem, famous for mimicking Bhutto, plays the former PM in the video.
Though Saleem’s “hum courage nahi loosenge” and “promises fullfillange” are exaggerated examples of urdu.
But it isnt just Bhutto who is being accused of mauling Urdu. President Musharaff is also believed to be a sinner. Musharraf’s one liners especially from his speech after the imposition of emergency - “mera total control tha”. “Islamabad mein bahut extremist bharay hue hain” and “ extremism bahut extreme ho gaya hai” have been widely circulated.

To Kill A Mockingbird

It is not only for what we do that we are responsible but for what we do not do’



Of late, I make it a point to check out the good movies on TV. If the name appeals to me I somehow tear myself away from blogspot and watch it. Helps me to stray from my obsession with Blogging. Yesterday Sony Pix happened to screen ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’. Felt good watching it.
There are three scenes in the movie that deserve mention. Atticus Finch, a principled lawyer with unimpeachable ethics, who defends a Black, has just lost a case to a biased jury. Everyone below, but the Black crowd on the balcony, has left the courtroom. As Atticus is gathering his papers, one by one the grateful crowd gets up and as he is passing by they all give him a standing but silent ovation.
The second is when Atticus explains to his children about how it is a sin to kill a mockingbird.
‘Why Atticus?’ Scout asks.
‘Because the mockingbird is merely a songbird. It does not destroy crops. It does not harm anybody. It only sings for people and makes them happy.'
The third scene is when the mysterious Bogeyman Boo Radley, about whom a monstrous legend has been developed, and who secretly keeps showering little trinkets to his only friends, suddenly appears as a saviour to present the children with his final gift- their lives. Atticus and the Sheriff then ponder about the consequences of revealing his identity to the world. Scout is against it. Simply because the child feels that this act would tantamount to killing a mockingbird!
The movie left me with mixed feelings. Although I was transported to the past, where memories of this novel (prescribed for our ninth standard syllabus) were sharply brought into focus, it also landed me in the present to what is going on in blogger.
Is it okay to gather forces and relentlessly hunt out a lone mockingbird from the garden? Is it okay to then expose it to a laughing world? In all probability it seems quite judgmental and condemnatory. No one has a right to interfere in anyone’s personal space. Every bird in the garden is free to sing. And as long as it merely mimics the songs of other birds or as long as it keeps everyone amused and entertained, it is definitely a sin to go after it.
But what if the scenario suddenly changes? What if the bird decides to go a little beyond the mocking stage? What if it dares to fly down from the rostrum and start pecking at a few? Most probably the persons closest to the victim would try to shoo it away. Some, for fear of being hurt, would obviously keep their distance. And others, especially those that walk in the garden, without any handles for support or anonymity, will dread the consequences of another sullied controversy. They would therefore prefer to remain quiet. But silence is often misinterpreted. Most often than not for cowardice!
However, if the intelligent bird gets the message, goes back to the tree and resumes its melodious singing and mimicking, everyone would again be happy. Perhaps even those that were pecked upon because like time, which may or may not heal wounds, humility certainly does. Everything would again be back to normal. However, what if this does not happen and the pecking persists? What if the wounds keep getting deeper? What if they start to bleed? What if they get gangrenous? It then becomes painful not only for the wounded but also for those watching the act.
When something like this happens, most probably the ones who tried to shoo the bird away will now start to get a little aggressive. They might even resort to assault. But attack is not always the best form of defense. It can also turn into a battleground of egos where baseless accusations are hurled at each other and the situation made to turn disgustingly gory, sometimes to such an extent that the crux of the matter is often lost. Is it okay then for the rest in the garden to pretend to be blind and continue to ogle a Blog war with glee? That again doesn’t seem right. Especially if things seem to be blowing way out of proportion and we have better things to do than merely squabble.
Most of us here have come with an intention- to read, to write and to interact! As long as the dramas that keep happening in the backdrop are innocuous and amusing, it can be taken in the right spirit. We are not naïve enough to pretend that having stepped into the rain under the open sky, we will never get wet. But to keep on standing there and to keep on getting drenched to the extent that we catch pneumonia and perish, that seems a little irrational. Naturally, it then makes sense to unfold our umbrellas. And to protect ourselves!
If there is a problem there has to be a solution. And the only way out is for the team of gardeners to take full responsibility to track down the real culprit, the real bird. Meanwhile, since most of us in the audience still find it difficult to come to terms with the accusations, wondering if what we witnessed was just an illusion or an authentic display of truth, it would also definitely help if the accused mockingbird should come out of its hiding and sing a song of explanation. More so if it feels it has been wronged or victimized. We don’t need anyone to fly away forever. However a clarification would most certainly end the tension that is building up and help clear the air.
Most here in this virtual garden are sensitive writers. Hence most of them will be an understanding and a forgiving lot. Since there are always three sides to a story- the right, the wrong and the truth, it would be helpful if the accused could have its say. As for the abuse and its conclusion, it would have to be taken after everything is out in the open. Because all said and done, I’m sure no one in their right minds would want to kill a mockingbird. And no one in his/her right mind would abet in this crime either.

THE WORST NEW YEAR FEELING

Here is another calendar year beginning. Turning back to the pages of the past, i get a nauseating sensation in my guts. Its like the things had been happening so slow and not so properly. It makes me feel whether i have missed something in the swift flow of time or am i gonna loose something in the future time flow?
I can see that i have missed so many things, persons, events and much more in the past. But what makes me uncomfortable is the thought to investigate the missed ones. i.e when i start investigating those what if i found i had missed something much crucial or say i have done something thats terrible and irreversible? May be these fears deep inside my mind causes the nausea whenever i think about the past. But i cannot stop thinking about the past or even the future.
Some people say like 'don't worry about the past, don't dream about the future, but live the present'. I guess i cannot do that. I have tried it many times, say a hundred times last year, but couldn't succeed. I have found myself loosing a good night's sleep just by worrying about the past or planning the next step in my life.
Sometimes i have really felt like a stupid who have let many things go off my hands when i had enough time to grab them. The fault with me is that in a single moment i will have numerous ideas running through my mind, and of course i'm multidisciplinary. The problem arises when prioritizing my ideas.
I'm extremely puzzled and guess i have to spend this year solving my puzzled mind

The innocence I have lost

I see the girl, she has a handsome boy on her side, caressing her like a baby............
I might not have anyone to wipe off my tears when am sad but am not jealous of her.........

I see the girl; she has all the money by her side to get her every creature comfort he may ever want.....
I might not have enough to buy me a pair of reputed jeans or shoes but am not jealous of him either........

I see the girlwho looks as if god carved her when he thought of creating a master piece......
I don’t not like seeing my lifeless impression casted in the mirror everyday but still am not jealous...........

And then I see little children’s playing in the rain in the streets wide opened, stretching their hands to feel the pouring rain...........
I can’t feel the rain as they do because I have to bear the price of being grown up and for the first time I feel jealous.........

I see them playing the games of childhood which splashes their innocent hearts with the rain of joy in the same way when I was innocent like them........
Greed, jealousy, lust, anger play wicked games in my mind now. Am not innocent anymore and am jealous of the innocence they have in them........

I look at their faces filled with feelings and emotions so rare and genuine like gems which I myself treasured when i was like them..........
But the mask I wear daily now to hide the ugly face I have inside has made the gems disappear and I am jealous for loosing those gems.........

I see them and I just keep on seeing them, playing in the little paradise they have created around themselves.......
And they don’t bother about dark forces of life which would inevitably turn the paradise in to hell one day like
It changed mine and I am jealous of the paradise they still have.................
And then I go near them and say to them "be like this forever and ever"................
They don’t seem to understand me and they keep playing................

And then I walk away from the magical world of innocence they rule to the sinful world of which am a slave............
And I realize that the most sinful act god can ever do to you, is not that he made u a human but is the curse that u will have to grow up one day...............